Big Sister
Posted in: Family
This post has been sitting unfinished for days. I started it but then had difficulty finding the time or energy to finish it. It’s not Nathan’s waking every few hours at night to feed that’s keeping us up. Sure that takes it’s toll but it’s the unexpected that has been harder to handle. But I’ll get into that a little later in this post. So onto my original post.
You’re probably wondering how Isabelle has taken to Nathan so I thought I’d talk about that today. She adored him right away. It’s not surprising since she used to talk at my belly saying, “I love you baby!” And she’ll quite frequently come up to Nathan just to kiss his head. But having someone else take mommy and daddy’s attention has definitely had an effect on her.
The first night at the hospital, when Olinda was with us, Isabelle was happily playing. But later on that night, after Olinda left, she saw Nathan nursing and she started to cry. She wanted milk too. Well, that’s been pretty much the pattern since that day. It’s not every time I nurse Nathan. It’s mostly at night when she’s tired.
So, bedtime is a matter of juggling, giving Nathan milk to hold him off for a couple of hours and then giving a little milk to Isabelle to put her down for the night. And if Isabelle and Nathan want milk, at the same time, in the middle of the night, I have to give Isabelle milk first or she really wakes up for good.
I’ve tried to explain to her that milk is for babies and she isn’t a baby anymore but she insists that it’s for Isabelle too. She says in a sad little voice, “but I like milk”. I honestly have no idea how to get her to stop. I haven’t really pushed her though because I don’t want to give her a reason to resent Nathan.
Something else new, she seems to get upset very easily now. Doesn’t get her way? Why she throws a tantrum. Look at her wrong? She’ll start crying. It’s so sad. And she won’t always play quietly by herself anymore. Sometimes she just wants me or Alan to sit with her because she says, “I’m scared”.
And did she always used to be soooo very loud? It’s like she’s trying to divert some attention her way even though we’ve been doing more with her. This past week we’ve been out to watch a magic show, a puppet show, the Academy of Sciences, and a visit with her cousin Ebow. But I guess she still misses when she had our undivided attention.
And that leads me into what has been interrupting our sleep, the unexpected. Isabelle has had a few more bloody noses than usual. I know she can’t control them but she’s been having them a lot more since Nathan’s been here. They’ve been early in the morning and after a bloody nose she won’t go back to sleep. So, our already interrupted sleep has been shortened too.
On top of that Isabelle has been peeing in the bed. She never did that before Nathan and now she’s done it four times. A couple of times she was asleep when it happened and didn’t even wake up. The last time she woke up immediately afterwards saying, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
My sister mentioned that her son started doing that when she had her second baby but it still surprised me when Isabelle did it. And do you know how disruptive peeing in the bed is? There’s definitely no more sleeping after that happens in the early morning.
I don’t know what to do to make her feel better. Before I would have said, maybe some alone time with just mommy or daddy but she’s had that with Alan. Going out with Alan just makes her cry, saying “but I’m going to miss the baby”.
Maybe she needs more time to get used to having a little brother?
It always takes a while for the big kid to get used to the new baby in the house. I have 4 girls.
I can’t give you any advice on how to deal with her, except patience, that is the best thing.
Good luck with it all, it will get easier.
Hi there,
I have begun to realise that sometimes you just need to give in on the unimportant stuff … my very well ajusted and confident 5 year old son, insists on having milk (in a baby bottle with teat) at bed time every night. From the age of 2 i used to fight him about it saying that he was not a baby but a big boy … I then realised that he is not going to be 18 and having a baby bottle of milk at night. I now let him have it, it is easier for me & Him and makes for a clam bedtime. Now it is getting to the stage that if there are people over he goes to be without as he does not want to be seen with one .. so he will out grow it soon enough with out the fight.
I got very ill about 18 months ago and it was very disruptive for miguel and he started peeing the bed – sonething that he had never done before. I found that taking him for a wee in the middle of the night (meybe do it after your feed at 2-ish?!?) helped reduce bed wetting a great deal, and dont worry they dont wake up they half sleep walk and then flop back in bed – a quite quick cuddle and kiss sends them off to sleep again.
Good-luck
I’m so sorry you’re goin’ through all this, I can assume it must be so hard.
I don’t have any children (our first is coming in March) and so the only advice I have comes from being a social worker with a specialty in children and youth.
It must be very hard for her to have someone come in and instantly have the love you two have for her. Sometimes we think 3 year olds can’t express what they feel through words but they can. Maybe sitting down with her and asking her how she feels would work. Sometimes all kids need to do is say “I’m sad” or “I’m mad” and it’s just like them saying-” I feel as if Nathan has taken away your attention and that you don’t love me as much as you use to.”
On another note, you don’t want to start reinforcing her bad behaviors either. Like when she’s loud and disruptive and you instantly go to her and comfort her. She’ll start to put two and two together and say “OH! So if I slam this pot, scream, and bark like a dog, Mommy and Daddy will pay attention to me!”- Instead maybe tell her that it’s inappropriate and assign consequences however you two do in your home.
That’s the only advice I give and it comes from a strictly professional lens, so I don’t know how helpful it will be. Keep us posted and you’re in my thoughts,
I think this is still all pretty new to her and it’s going to take some time, but I also think she’s going through some typical age stuff that’s been compounded by having a new brother.
I tandem nursed when Ivy was born, and Miranda was already 4 and a half. I had been trying to wean when I was pregnant, and then Ivy needed to spend time in the NICU and I had to pump milk and the lactation consultant was supportive of letting Miranda continue to nurse. So I kept letting Miranda nurse even after Ivy came home. Your body will make enough milk, if you are concerned about that. I did make some rules for my own sanity–I hated letting them nurse at the same time, felt like my brains were being sucked out. So Miranda had to wait until Ivy was done, and that was okay with her.
It’s hard for all kids I think. It will take time. I think oldest/only children are kind of used to being “center of the universe”, you know? You are probably already doing this, but sometimes it helps to point out “big girl” things that the baby can’t do. I would say something like, “How wonderful that you get to _____. The baby can’t do that yet, but maybe when he is older, you can help teach him!” (For example, the baby can’t eat candy at Halloween… hee hee).
My younger was a toddler when she joined our family, but one thing that really worked for us was to have her give my older one things (treats, toys, etc.). So I would give her two boxes of raisins and ask her to give one to him. I don’t know how this would work for a newborn, but maybe you can attribute some other treats/good things due to him being there.
The bedwetting may be stress or she may be sleeping more deeply if you are all short on sleep (not waking up with the feeling of needing to go potty). I second the recommendation above to take her in the middle of the night and for sure right before bed.
Best of luck! It is going to get better. It is a big adjustment for everyone. Hang in there!
P.S. I love the Halloween banner!
I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a little girl. My oldest Raymond has asbergers and it was really difficult for him to accept his younger brother Orion when he was born. Raymond is all about schedules and consistancy, and having a new baby really threw that off. It took a great deal of patience and keeping things on a schedule that worked for us. Having the third baby went over easier since he had already been through it before.
I had to get the baby used to nursing and napping at set times, that way Raymond knew when he would have his alone time with me. He knew when the baby took his first nap, we would read and have a small activity. Second nap was outside playtime, and so on. It helped him to know that those times were set aside for just him and as the baby got older and his nap times decreased, he was included into our activities. Then it was all about him being able to show the baby how to do the things he was doing, and he loved showing what he knew.
For the night time accidents, I agree with everyone else that you should take her potty during the night to try to prevent it. But if that doesn’t work, perhaps a small and simple reward for waking up dry? And about the noise, you should let her make some noise, so the baby gets used to it. If not, you’ll be tip toeing around everytime the baby sleeps, but if he’s used to a bit of background noise you’ll be able to go about your normal routine.
Good luck! It will get easier!
Nose bleeds and pee in the bed I know all too well.
I have lots of flannel bed pads and washable comforter (need at least 2 of them). Overnight diapers or pants. Just make sure you don’t run out or forget to put one on right before bed or your going to have a wet night possibly. After a wet night, I change everything out and get kids back to sleep and I am up all night and miss out on my sleep. Humidifier for the bloody nose.
It is too hard to wake up in the middle of the night to pee Ebow. Too tired and will miss some nights. Easier to sleep with a diaper. Ebow asks specifically for one at night. He doesn’t feel as bad when the mess is contained and everyone in the house is less frustrated.
The professionals warn against getting your child up in the middle of the night because you child is half asleep when you take him/her and their body is still in sleep mode so when you up your child to the bathroom in the middle of the night you are telling her/his body that it is okay to release the pee in a sleeping state, which reinforces the bedwetting behavior. Don’t know if this advice is true or not, but I spoke to a bed wetting behaviorist over the phone. They say because the kid is dealing with stress, they sleep deeper and sleep through their urges to go pee. Or some kids are naturally deep sleepers and sleep through pee pee urges. Don’t have any more advice from the pros since they then started asking me for my money.
Have you tried nursing them both at the same time? Some women can do it and some can’t. It really made life easier for me when I had two nurslings. Get Nathan settled nursing and let Isabelle join. It may take a little experimentation but it can work.
isabelle must be feeling a little unsecure since new little nathan came and reorganized the whole family structure and routine.but i want to share what i learned from my sis in law when she carrying her second baby; she has constantly talked with her first daughter about the things which will change when her little sis come. it actually worked since the ‘little lecture’ was repeatedly said to her and by the time her little sis was born, she did see the differences all around her and it did prepared her to feel the new surrounding more at ease. and getting her to help taking care of the new baby would make her realised her now new title ‘big sis’ and helps her to be more connected with her little bro . like handling you the diaper when you change nathan everytime or helping you to check on him when you’re in the kitchen… etc she would feel being appreciated too and feeling important
a new job/responsibility sure can make her ‘think big’ and not feeling competant to her little bro.
take care ,i’m sure everything will be alright soon.
My goodness, YES, it’s normal for Isabelle to be going through a period of adjustment, just like you and Alan are. Having a new baby is a huge adjustment. I have several friends whose older kids regressed with potty training when the younger sibling came along. The advice one of my friends got was to totally take the pressure off, let the older kid wear pull-ups to bed if necessary and continue to ask if they needed to go potty but not put any pressure on them or give them any more attention because of the bed-wetting or accidents during the day. Just treat it matter-of-factly. It will go away eventually, but be patient, it might take months.
As for the loudness and the crying and the tantrums, well, Isabelle’s four! That’s typical 4-year-old behavior. She doesn’t have as good a grasp of the English language or human psychology as adults, she can’t explain her negative feelings and process them away, so she reacts with tantrums and cryings. Again, be as patient as you can, don’t reward the tantrums, but when she’s not tantruming give her lots of hugs and attention. And when she she behaves well, make sure you praise her for that.
I have no advice for the tandem nursing. Sorry.
Be patient, patient, patient, with Isabelle and with yourselves and each other. This is a big change you’re all going through. You’ll work it all out eventually. I’ll pray for you guys!
Kuky,
I have commented before and I read your blog with regularity. I love your ‘toons and all that you make. I do so hope that all who read you are as open-minded as you are about comforting and nursing. Stick with it and remember how it seems like the blink of an eye that Isabelle was that size. Do what is in your heart.
Keep up the good work. You are amazing.
Oh no, poor baby. Hopefully she adjusts soon so you can all relax and just enjoy this time together. Take a look at this page: http://hazelnutgirl.blogspot.com/2009/09/how-to-make-waterproof-mattress.html . I don’t know if you have too much time to sew right now but this would probably come in handy with the bed wetting. Good luck, it’ll get better soon I’m sure!!