
Yes. You read it in the title. I’m not pregnant.
And I’m also grumpy, snappy, and queasy. A big monster who’s not fit for company. I thought drawing would help. It didn’t. I’m not pregnant and I’m mad. I don’t know why. I wouldn’t usually be mad but this time, I just am. Yes, I’m sad and disappointed but the mad is in there too. Actually maybe ‘mad’ is too mild a term. I’d say I’m closer to furious. I could kick something or throw something or both, a few dozen times. Or maybe a few million.
I was stalling on taking the test. I’ve never had a super regular cycle and since I’m still breastfeeding Isabelle, that really plays havoc with it. I don’t like taking the test unless I really really think I’m pregnant. Because when it comes out negative, I feel like I’ve wasted the test, which I know I haven’t but that’s just how I feel. Makes no sense, I know.
So this morning I took the test and it was a big old waste. And yes I took it because I was just so sure I was pregnant. So positive, I was happily bopping around in my head thinking about it. But I’m not pregnant! And now I’m being a big grump and Alan is trying to make me feel better but it’s not working. He give me a big hug, tells me we’ll try again, and I just feel…aaaarrrghh. Hands clenched, jaw clenched, irritated, outraged, just fuming. I could just push him away but I don’t. Sorry honey.
I’m so angry. I’m sitting here rereading what I wrote and didn’t even realize my hands were clenched into tight fists. I’m just going to stop typing now before I am even more tempted to throw my laptop across the room. My feelings sway between furious and dejected. I think I’m going to go into the other room and cry now.