I’m having a miscarriage. I haven’t written here in a while. I haven’t been able to stand to talk to anyone or write this down until now. On July 7th we went for our first prenatal visit where they did an ultrasound. The hospital said I was about 9 weeks along. My calculations said I was about 7 weeks. I was excited and looking forward to seeing our baby on the monitor. I had a picture in my mind of what I would be seeing. But that did not happen.

I started to worry when the nurse doing the ultrasound couldn’t find the baby. She took a couple of pictures and stepped out of the room to ask the doctor. The doctor came back in and took a look and couldn’t find the heartbeat and said I was having a miscarriage. She said I could have a D&C or take some pills to empty my uterus. Either that or she was thinking within a week my body would miscarry. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want a D&C or the pills. I couldn’t accept it unless my body went through the miscarriage naturally. So they scheduled another ultrasound a week later.

I was in shock and completely devastated for 2 days until someone suggested I look it up online. I did and found some forums where the same thing has happened and is happening to other women. Some of the women went back for ultrasounds later and the baby was found. So I was hopeful. Still scared but hoping for the best.

We went back for the ultrasound and still no heartbeat. I’m devastated. I am utterly depressed. I haven’t gone out in days. I don’t want to talk to anyone cuz thinking about it makes me cry. I had a friend who was depressed and he mentioned that showers were hard for him, that’s when he had time to think about the shitty stuff that was going on in his life. I know exactly what he means now. I just sit there and sob. It’s so easy to let my mind think about it when there isn’t any distractions. So, I’ve been playing Civilization 3 for the past couple of days. It’s really distracting and I don’t think about anything except the game. I tried watching television but that doesn’t work. Little things about babies and families just get me going. I know it’s irrational but I can’t get past losing my dreams of our life with a baby. I know I’ll probably get pregnant again but right now I can’t see that far ahead yet. I started spotting a little yesterday but I until it’s done I guess I won’t be able to grieve and let go completely.

I can’t bring myself to talk about it with my family and friends. So I’m hoping that by writing it down it will release some of it for me so I can call them. I haven’t spoken to them for a while and I know they’re worried. So if you guys are reading this…I’ll call you when I can. I love you all.

I had a dream this morning. I dreamt we had a baby girl and I was giving her a bath. Except it was weird cuz she was wearing one of those baby jumper thingies with the feet. And I was dipping her in the water fully clothed.

We had a doctor’s appointment this morning. So I finally started bleeding normal blood sort of lightly I guess since..Sunday morning/Saturday late evening. So the doctor gave me some pills to empty everything out. When we got home I had terrible terrible PAIN and I was bleeding sooo much. I’ve never seen so much blood. The pain was awful. On a scale on 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain ever it was a 10. If I could have had someone hit me in the head to knock me out I would have welcomed it. It was so painful I just broke out in a sweat all over.

So we went to the E.R. I couldn’t even walk myself all the way in. It started hurting again and I just dropped to my knees crying and someone brought a gurney in and rolled me away. After what seemed like too long they gave me morphine for the pain and I just lay there bleeding. When I had to use the bathroom they brought in this little portable toilet thing for me to use. There was so much blood just everywhere. Later in the evening I was in the operating room. having a D&C. It’s the strangest thing ever. I’ve never been in an operating room before. They put the little mask on me, I closed my eyes and when I woke up it was all done. I’m empty.