I went crazy for a couple of hours or who knows…maybe even longer looking for new icons. My favorite site to look for new icons is Xicons. Every once in a while I’ll do that. I just get on this icon kick. And then once I’ve downloaded a whole mess of new ones then I need to try to remember how to change them. And that takes time too. My favorite icons to change are my full and empty trash on my dock and the finder icon. And of of course my HD icon on the desktop because that needs to match the new wallpaper I choose when I’m on this icon kick. And then while I’m at in I change everything else I can to. See the pretty flower I found to match the wallpaper?

Posted in: Oops Didn't I Choose?
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It’s Olinda’s birthday today!! YAY!! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Olinda turns 30 today. The big three oh. Well not yay for Olinda cuz she doesn’t like getting older. But I think getting older is great. I’m so glad I’m not some young teeny bopper. I like aging. I won’t like being super super super old but it’s still good at this point. It will only suck later on I’m thinking. But I’m looking forward to when Alan and I are old and the kids have grown up and we’ll be this little old married couple. That’s a warm fuzzy thought right there.

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I was looking through some of the old pages I’ve bookmarked before. This guy sculpts mermaids in the sand. They are sooooo amazing. You have to look.

Another one that has the cutest monsters is on Rawr. Her goal was to draw a monster a day. It was a New Year’s Resolution for 2002. The monsters were so cute I bought the magnets.

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I haven’t done much knitting at all. I think I picked up the wrap I was working on maybe over 2 weeks ago. I did maybe 5 rows at most. I feel like doing something. Like painting, scrapbooking, gardening or something but I just can’t get going. I’ve been reading Harry Potter this past week and maybe checking my email a little here and there and emailing my blog. But that’s about it.

Posted in: Oops Didn't I Choose?
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I’m trying to look up online if having a miscarriage is supposed to be as painful as it was. I found some page called Voices of Miscarriage. Someone wrote: “When I finally realized what I had lost I was starved for a baby”. I don’t necessarily feel that way. I’m not starved for any baby. I want the one I lost.

Someone else wrote: “My next pregnancy was difficult because I had lost my innocence of the beauty of pregnancy with the miscarriage. All around me were pregnant women who seemed to not know that danger lurked at every curve.” That’s how I feel. I’m scared of what may happen next time. And I don’t think other pregnant women have that depth of fear. I was worried about miscarriage but I can’t compare it to what I feel now.

Cuz I’m really really scared now. what if I have another miscarriage? I don’t want to have that kind of pain again.

Posted in: Oops Didn't I Choose?
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We had a doctor’s appointment this morning. So I finally started bleeding normal blood sort of lightly I guess since..Sunday morning/Saturday late evening. So the doctor gave me some pills to empty everything out. When we got home I had terrible terrible PAIN and I was bleeding sooo much. I’ve never seen so much blood. The pain was awful. On a scale on 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain ever it was a 10. If I could have had someone hit me in the head to knock me out I would have welcomed it. It was so painful I just broke out in a sweat all over.

So we went to the E.R. I couldn’t even walk myself all the way in. It started hurting again and I just dropped to my knees crying and someone brought a gurney in and rolled me away. After what seemed like too long they gave me morphine for the pain and I just lay there bleeding. When I had to use the bathroom they brought in this little portable toilet thing for me to use. There was so much blood just everywhere. Later in the evening I was in the operating room. having a D&C. It’s the strangest thing ever. I’ve never been in an operating room before. They put the little mask on me, I closed my eyes and when I woke up it was all done. I’m empty.

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I had a dream this morning. I dreamt we had a baby girl and I was giving her a bath. Except it was weird cuz she was wearing one of those baby jumper thingies with the feet. And I was dipping her in the water fully clothed.

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